S5E3 | The End-of-Life Retreat: Finding Clarity Amidst Uncertainty
In this heartfelt episode of Ask a Decision Engineer, Michelle Florendo opens up about her personal experience of facilitating an end-of-life retreat for her mother-in-law, Joyce, following a stage-four terminal cancer diagnosis. Joined by Shanice Webb, Michelle explores how decision-making frameworks, emotional clarity, and collaboration can guide families through some of life’s most challenging moments. Through personal anecdotes and decision-making insights, Michelle offers listeners a deeply reflective guide to navigating emotions, fostering communication, and finding clarity amidst uncertainty.
“What is an entry point into these conversations about heavy things? It’s this question of, ‘How do you want to feel?”
Life often presents us with decisions we are unprepared to face—ones steeped in uncertainty and emotion. In this episode, Michelle shares one such personal experience: navigating the final months of her mother-in-law’s life after a devastating cancer diagnosis.
S5E3 | The End-of-Life Retreat: Finding Clarity Amidst Uncertainty
Drawing on her decision-making expertise, Michelle used frameworks and emotional clarity to create space for constructive conversations with her family during this challenging time.
Table of Contents
Introduction [00:00:00]
A Year of Pause and Reflection [00:01:00]
Planning an End-of-Life Retreat [00:05:00]
Facilitating Emotional Clarity [00:08:00]
The Four-Phase Framework for End-of-Life Planning [00:09:00]
The Role of Emotions in Decision-Making [00:11:00]
Decision-Making as an Ongoing Process [00:15:00]
Practical Advice for Navigating Family Decisions [00:22:00]
Honoring a Legacy of Agency [00:29:00]
Introduction [00:00:00]
This episode takes a deeply personal turn, offering a rare glimpse into how Michelle applied her professional insights to one of the most challenging and transformative moments of her life. Her decision to plan and facilitate an end-of-life retreat is a testament to the power of clarity, collaboration, and intention in guiding families through difficult transitions.
Michelle reflects on the emotional weight of this experience: “I hope this episode not only helps others navigate similar situations but also honors the memory of Joyce.” Whether you are facing a similar situation or seeking inspiration for navigating life’s complexities, this episode provides both practical advice and heartfelt insight.
A Year of Pause and Reflection [00:01:00]
Michelle begins by reflecting on her unexpected break from podcasting in 2023. Her mother-in-law Joyce, a vibrant and active 78-year-old, was diagnosed with stage-four pancreatic cancer—a diagnosis that redefined her priorities.
Michelle shares how she and her husband, as Joyce’s primary caregivers, faced a whirlwind of logistical and emotional challenges. Her background in decision-making became a key asset, but the personal nature of the situation introduced new complexities.
"I needed to trim down all of my obligations to really focus on my family," Michelle explains, emphasizing the importance of centering family and values during life’s most difficult transitions.
Planning an End-of-Life Retreat [00:05:00]
Michelle describes how her professional expertise inspired her to organize an end-of-life retreat for her mother-in-law. Combining reflection with celebration, the retreat gave the family an opportunity to make space for and honor Joyce’s wishes for her final months while also cherishing the time they had together.
During the retreat, Michelle began by giving everyone Post-its to write down thoughts, questions, and decisions they had been carrying. This exercise allowed the group to set these concerns aside temporarily, creating space for deeper conversations.
"I realized I was in a position to help my family have constructive conversations about how to approach the inevitable decisions that would need to come," Michelle explains. The retreat created a balance of joy and reflection, blending milestone celebrations with intentional planning.
Facilitating Emotional Clarity [00:08:00]
At the heart of the retreat was a focus on emotional clarity. Michelle asked each family member to identify how they wanted to feel during the various stages of Joyce’s journey. This activity highlighted not only Joyce’s priorities but also the needs of her support circle.
For example, Joyce expressed a desire to feel unburdened and calm, while others emphasized wanting to feel helpful, supportive, and eventually at peace. Michelle notes that this focus on emotions allowed the family to align their decisions with shared priorities.
"One of the things that I’ve found, especially when it comes to personal decisions, is that it almost always ends up with, ‘Because we want to feel a certain way,’” she explains.
The Four-Phase Framework for End-of-Life Planning [00:09:00]
Michelle introduced a structured framework to guide the family through Joyce’s diagnosis:
Digesting the News: Addressing medical logistics, communicating with extended family, and absorbing the shock of the diagnosis.
Adjusting to Change: Preparing for the physical and emotional toll of treatment and adapting to the new reality.
Final Days: Focusing on comfort and presence during Joyce’s last moments.
Afterward: Supporting the surviving family and navigating the emotional and logistical aspects of her passing.
Michelle emphasized that each phase required unique considerations and allowed the family to clarify their priorities for each stage. “We needed to delineate the phases because different stages brought different decisions and emotional needs,” she explains.
The Role of Emotions in Decision-Making [00:11:00]
Michelle explores how emotions play a central role in guiding decisions during challenging times. Rather than ignoring emotions, she views them as signals that point to deeper values and needs.
This perspective proved vital when Joyce’s chemotherapy began to take a severe toll on her quality of life. The family revisited their earlier discussions and decided to transition to hospice care—a decision rooted in clarity about how Joyce and her family wanted to feel.
"The emotions surface because they often point to needs,” Michelle underscores.
Decision-Making as an Ongoing Process [00:15:00]
Michelle highlights the dynamic nature of decision-making, particularly in emotionally complex situations. The family regularly revisited their priorities and adjusted their plans based on Joyce’s evolving needs.
For example, the clarity gained during the retreat provided a foundation for decisions made in the months that followed. Michelle emphasizes the importance of remaining flexible and building in checkpoints to reevaluate priorities.
"Anytime there might be big shifts in your objectives, the options, or what data you have, you have opportunities to make new decisions," she said.
Practical Advice for Navigating Family Decisions [00:22:00]
Michelle offers actionable advice for those navigating similar challenges:
Ask Key Questions: Start with, “How do you want to feel?” to clarify priorities.
Externalize Thoughts: Write down emotions, questions, and decisions to unburden mental load.
Create Space for Rest: Balance heavy discussions with moments of joy and connection.
Collaborate with Empathy: Engage all stakeholders to ensure shared understanding and support.
"Even the simple question, ‘How do you want to feel?’ can be so powerful," Michelle notes.
Honoring a Legacy of Agency [00:29:00]
The episode concludes with a heartfelt tribute to Joyce, celebrating her agency and courage. Michelle reflects on how Joyce’s ability to articulate her wishes inspired the family to approach life’s transitions with intention.
"She moved through her entire life with a sense of agency, an ability to articulate what she wanted, and to make decisions to bring that to fruition," Michelle says. Joyce’s story serves as a reminder of the power of clarity and choice in shaping life’s most meaningful moments.
Key Takeaways
Emotional clarity serves as a guiding compass during difficult decisions.
Decision-making frameworks provide structure for navigating complex situations.
Collaboration and open communication transform tough conversations into moments of connection.
Flexibility and checkpoints help adapt plans to evolving circumstances.
For More Decision-Making Resources
Michelle’s Stanford Continuing Studies course
Check out Michelle’s self-paced course Decision Toolkit for Personal Decisions
Her Decision Toolkit Coaches and Counselors virtual workshop on Maven
